I wake up with pain around my middle and wonder if it’s time yet for my 12 hour pain relief. Sure enough the nurse comes round but then the pain doesn’t go, in fact it seems to get worse. I press the buzzer and get a healthcare assistant “I’m in a lot of pain” I explain “Ok I’ll go tell the nurse” she replies. She comes back to say I’ve already had my pain release so that’s that. I try and go with it but the pain is starting to reach the same level as when I was being poisoned to death. I buzz again and get the same healthcare assistant. I can feel her rolling her eyes as she asks what’s wrong. Nothing has changed “Tell the nurse my pain level has now gone to 9 (they always ask you to rate your pain between 1 and 10, 10 being the worst)” I can barely whisper. “They are on change over, nurse can’t see you right now” I’m informed. I’m left lying in agony as the pain level is now worse than when I was being poisoned to death aka was dying. I want to cry out “Someone help me!” but have no voice left. Luckily the doctor with entourage then pops his head round the curtain and promptly starts into his monologue. Whispering “I’m in a lot of pain” is the only response I can give. Immediately he asks to see my wound and they take off my dressing. “Looking at this gives me grey hairs” he says reassuringly. “Oh that’s very infected” confirms the head nurse. It is instructed that I’m given more morphine and that it should be washed and re-dressed then they carry on with their patient round. It’s another hour until anyone comes back. All I can do is lie there and try and survive and exist. In the mean time the lunch lady pops her head round to ask for my lunch order. I’m lying back on the bed with my gown pulled up and my stomach wound covered with a cellophane sheet as I whisper my order (the same as everyday, the only vegetarian option there is). She respectfully pretends not to notice and we converse as if this is the most normal situation in the world. My next visitor is the blood lady who pops her head round and I can see her taking a measure of the sight of me “Are you in the middle of something here?” she asks. “Yes” I whisper and she moves on to the next patient. Clearly unsatisfied with not having got everyone’s blood in the same round she then comes back again “Excuse me love do you mind if I take your blood whilst you’re just lying there?” I whisper the only response I can muster “I’m in a lot of pain” and she nods and finally moves on. The agony seems like eternity but from afar I can overhear the head nurse say to her colleague “Right, time to tackle that infected wound – are you ready?” I can almost sense their deep breathes as they approach my bed. I close my eyes as the nurses wash and redress the wound and suddenly the pain is gone. I’m out of it for the rest of the afternoon from all the pain relief I’ve taken. My best friend was supposed to come and see me that afternoon but I text her to say there’s nothing left of me to converse with and possibly I’d just had the worst morning of my life. I realise in general I’m too poorly see people as all I can do at that time is exist and survive.

Later on when I come round that evening I feel a massive sense of relief and euphoria that the pain is now over. I’m so euphoric not to be in the worst pain of my life anymore I can’t sleep. I go on a zimmer frame run of the ward at 2 a.m. It’s really peaceful as everyone is sleeping, even the night nurse isn’t around. I’m slowly zimmering down the corridor and pass some kind of security guy. We nod at each other in silent acknowledgement.