The day I nearly died and I went in for the first emergency operation was weirdly on the year anniversary of my friends suicide. My brother rang our friend to inform her what had happened and she was apparently quite wobbly as death was already on her mind because of the day it was. The past year I’d felt not quite right in myself. I’d had a lot of trouble accepting the enormity of what he’d done and felt like I’d been carrying a lot of sadness round with me that I just couldn’t shake off.

When I’m on the ward after my second emergency operation a 99 year old woman is wheeled in to inhabit the bed in the corner. She reads the TV Times even though there is no television on the ward. One day she catches me as I slowly walk past going to bed “When I was your age, I was in plaster cast from head to waist” she informs me “Sneezing was agony. But then, after time you can walk normally again. It does get better” she reassures and we start to chat. She tells me about all the places she travelled to with her husband, her favourite being the Arctic Circle and how pleased she was she saw so much of the world when she was able. She had outlived all of her friends and family and just had a step son who had cancer so couldn’t travel. “I wish they’d just forget about me” she says referring to the hospital staff at meds time. “I see no conclusion to this. They should just leave me out” she confides.

Later on I’m meditating in my side chair as this was one of the only things that could get me through the day. I start thinking about what she had said and about peoples right to end their suffering. If I’d outlived everyone in my life and the remainder of my days were to be spent not being able to walk or stand and reading the TV Times on a noisy ward (with no TV) I think I would also start to conclude that I no longer wished to be present. I start to adapt that line of thought to my friends situation and about his right to end his own suffering. I’ve never felt extreme mental pain but I have by this point, felt a lot of physical pain and suffering. Is it actually the kind thing to do to end your own suffering? Could euthanasia ever be compared to suicide? I have no answers to anything but in that moment I suddenly feel understanding of my friends actions which then leads to the acceptance I’d found it so difficult to achieve. Then it’s like all of the sadness I’d been carrying round with me all year over this is lifted. And before I know it I have tears rolling down my face from this enlightening meditation session. I start to open my eyes a little and the woman sat directly opposite is still staring out the window. Suddenly I become present back into my surroundings and wonder if she witnessed any of this emotional moment. I’ve already flashed her my treasure (see: Fire Alarm) and it’s only day 2, by now she must wonder what she’s got herself in for.