After coming close to death I feel almost reborn afterwards. I experience old pleasures with new joy. The first time I hear Micheal Jackson: it’s like I’m hearing his pure soul funkiness for the first time all over again. My first beer in a beer garden in the sun. The first time I make it up to my local coffee shop I am close to tears of joy as I order my coffee. She has no idea the milestone of significance this walk has for me. It means recovery. The first time I paint my nails. It signifies I’m not operating in survival mode anymore.  I count them and catalogue them in my mind as being TFTSND (the first time since near death). The first time I see friends TFTSND is a particular joy. They don’t realise as I hold them close in our first hug that it’s like I’m meeting them all over again for the first time. A recognised love, a familiar closeness. But rediscovering all over again. I hold on tight in the knowledge that I may have never have seen them again.